In this episode of AI Love Lab, we explore the first of Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages: Words of Affirmation. Discover how simple, heartfelt compliments can dramatically impact the emotional climate of a relationship. We discuss the power of kind words, encouragement, and verbal appreciation, and how they can motivate, uplift, and even transform marriages. Learn practical ways to use words to fill your partner’s love tank and create a deeper emotional connection.
Transcript
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<v Woman>Ready to dive into the fascinating world of love languages? Today,
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<v Woman>we're exploring Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages, zeroing in on words of affirmation.
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<v Woman>And let me tell you, it's a lot more than just tossing out those everyday compliments.
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<v Man>It really is.
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<v Woman>So we're really going deep into
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<v Woman>how to use words to make our partners feel truly loved and appreciated.
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<v Man>You know, there's that famous Mark Twain quote, something like,
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<v Man>I can live for two months on a good compliment. And, you know,
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<v Man>he might have been exaggerating a bit for laughs, but it does highlight something kind of profound.
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<v Man>Like for some people, those verbal affirmations, those words,
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<v Man>they're like essential.
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<v Woman>Yeah. Like it's what makes them feel seen and understood. Exactly.
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<v Woman>Okay. So let's say someone's primary love language is words of affirmation.
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<v Woman>What is it about these words that's so powerful for them?
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<v Man>Well, you can think of it this way. Everyone's got this emotional love tank, right?
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<v Man>And for these folks, when you're speaking their language, when they hear those
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<v Man>words of affirmation, that genuine appreciation, encouragement,
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<v Man>kindness, it's like you're filling their tank right up.
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<v Woman>Like you're speaking directly to their heart.
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<v Man>Yeah, exactly.
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<v Woman>But how's that different from, say, just telling your partner,
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<v Woman>hey, you look good today?
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<v Man>That's a great question. A compliment? Yeah, that might give their tank a little boost.
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<v Man>But words of affirmation, they go way deeper, right? Yeah. It's about truly seeing them.
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<v Woman>Okay. So seeing them as opposed to seeing like their outward appearance.
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<v Man>Right. It's about acknowledging their efforts. Yeah. Validating how they feel.
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<v Man>Saying, I get you. Not just, I see you.
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<v Woman>So how do we make that jump from those like surface level compliments to those
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<v Woman>deeper, more impactful affirmations? Give us the good stuff.
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<v Man>All right. All right, well, let's talk about encouragement, for example.
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<v Man>Chapman tells this story about this couple, Allison and Keith.
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<v Man>Allison, she'd always loved writing, but, you know, life happens.
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<v Man>You put her passion on hold to, you know, focus on her career, her family.
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<v Woman>So that dream was just kind of simmering on the back burner.
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<v Man>Exactly. And then Keith, bless his heart, he stumbles upon one of Allison's old writing samples.
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<v Man>And instead of just being like, oh, honey, this is nice. He's blown away.
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<v Man>He sees her talent, her potential.
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<v Woman>He really sees it.
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<v Man>He does. And he tells her straight up, you are good. You need to share this gift.
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<v Woman>Wow. Talk about a vote of confidence. Right.
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<v Man>And that's exactly it. You know, it wasn't just, oh, I like your writing style.
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<v Man>It was an affirmation of her, like her identity as a writer.
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<v Woman>So much more powerful.
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<v Man>Right. And that validation coming from someone she loved, it gave her the courage
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<v Man>to like overcome her own insecurities and pursue her passion. And guess what?
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<v Man>Fast forward. She's a published author.
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<v Woman>That's incredible.
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<v Man>It is. And it all started with a few powerful words of affirmation.
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<v Woman>That's amazing. But it does kind of beg the question, like, what if you're not
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<v Woman>naturally gifted with this whole words of affirmation thing?
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<v Woman>You know, can you actually learn to speak this love language,
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<v Woman>even if it doesn't come naturally?
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<v Man>Absolutely. Think of it like, I don't know, learning any new language.
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<v Man>It takes practice. It takes intention.
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<v Man>One of the things Chapman really emphasizes is the importance of empathy.
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<v Woman>Empathy. So it's like more than just picking the right words.
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<v Woman>It's about really getting where your partner's coming from.
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<v Man>Yeah, totally. It's about tuning into their values, what their dreams are,
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<v Man>even their insecurities.
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<v Man>You know, what are they passionate about? What makes them feel really seen and appreciated?
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<v Woman>So like going back to Allison and Keith, if Keith had just been like,
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<v Woman>oh, you should submit this to a magazine, but didn't actually believe in her
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<v Woman>talent, it wouldn't have been the same.
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<v Man>Exactly. It's the genuine belief, right, that gives the words their power, right?
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<v Man>Here's where it gets kind of interesting. Chapman says, even those,
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<v Man>like tough conversations, you know, when you're disagreeing,
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<v Man>expressing hurt or frustration, even those can be an act of love.
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<v Woman>Wait, really? How can an argument be an expression of love?
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<v Man>Okay, think of it like this. Love isn't about never fighting.
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<v Man>It's about how you fight.
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<v Man>When you approach a disagreement with kindness, you're basically saying,
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<v Man>hey, I value you. I value this relationship enough to work through this.
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<v Woman>So it's not about pretending everything's OK. It's about how you express those
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<v Woman>feelings when you're not OK.
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<v Man>Yeah, exactly. And a lot of it comes down to tone. Yeah. Remember,
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<v Man>we're trying to fill that emotional love tank, not drain it.
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<v Woman>Makes sense. But how do you actually do that? Like, especially in the heat of
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<v Woman>the moment when you're feeling, well, anything but tea loving.
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<v Man>It takes practice, definitely. But a good thing to remember is to try and focus
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<v Man>on I statements rather than you statements.
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<v Man>Right. Instead of you're always late, try something like, I feel frustrated when I'm left waiting.
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<v Woman>Subtle difference, but I can see how that would land differently.
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<v Man>Right. It's about owning your own emotions, not putting the blame on the other
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<v Man>person. And this is another big one, forgiveness.
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<v Woman>Because holding a grudge doesn't exactly say love and affirmation.
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<v Man>Exactly. Love doesn't keep score. It doesn't hold past mistakes over someone's head.
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<v Man>Forgiveness, it's like essential for keeping that closeness,
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<v Man>that intimacy, because it lets you move on together.
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<v Woman>So we've got encouragement, kindness, forgiveness. What else does Chapman have
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<v Woman>for us when it comes to words of affirmation?
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<v Man>This next one, it's a biggie, especially in those long-term relationships.
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<v Man>Requests versus demands.
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<v Woman>Okay, break that down for me.
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<v Man>So a demand is like you're saying you have to do this or else.
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<v Man>It shuts down any conversation. It just creates It's like a power struggle.
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<v Woman>Not exactly a recipe for love and support. Right.
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<v Man>But a request, it acknowledges that your partner has a choice.
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<v Man>It's like saying, I value your needs and desires as much as my own.
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<v Woman>So using Chapman's apple pie example, instead of saying, why don't you ever
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<v Woman>bake apple pie anymore? Which feels kind of like an accusation.
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<v Man>Right, exactly. It'd be more like, honey, you know those amazing apple pies
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<v Man>you make? I would love it if you baked one sometime this week. See?
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<v Man>Totally different vibe.
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<v Woman>Because you're expressing what you want, but you're not making them feel obligated or criticized.
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<v Man>Exactly. You're inviting a loving response, not demanding it.
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<v Man>And that's what this is all about, right? It's about that connection,
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<v Man>that appreciation, that intimacy you build just by using the right words.
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<v Woman>Okay. I'm convinced. But let's be real. Not everyone is, like, a poet.
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<v Woman>What about those of us who weren't exactly born with the gift of gab? dab.
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<v Woman>Any practical tips for, you know, actually incorporating words of affirmation
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<v Woman>into our relationships?
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<v Man>Oh, absolutely. Chapman actually suggests keeping a words of affirmation journal.
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<v Woman>Oh, words of affirmation journal. Okay. Tell me more about that.
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<v Man>So it's really simple. Anytime you like come across a phrase,
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<v Man>maybe you're watching a movie or reading a book or even just like overhearing
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<v Man>a conversation and something clicks, you know, some phrase that just like screams
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<v Man>affirmation, write it down.
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<v Woman>Ah, I like it.
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<v Man>That way you build up this like collection of loving phrases.
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<v Man>And the next time you want to express that to your partner, boom,
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<v Man>you've got this whole arsenal of heartfelt language at your fingertips.
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<v Woman>So you're basically training your brain to look for those affirming words.
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<v Woman>So they become a more natural part of how you communicate.
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<v Man>Exactly. And the best part is you don't have to like make grand gestures, right? Right.
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<v Man>Even those small, consistent efforts, you know, just a quick,
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<v Man>hey, I appreciate you or I'm so proud of you.
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<v Man>That can go such a long way in making your partner feel loved.
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<v Woman>It's all about those little deposits in the love tank. Right. Right.
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<v Man>Exactly. Speaking of impact, Chapman talks about this couple,
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<v Man>Bill and Betty Jo, who came to him for counseling at their wit's end.
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<v Man>Turns out Bill's primary love language was words of affirmation.
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<v Man>And he was like totally starved for appreciation from Betty Jo.
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<v Man>And the thing is, she thought she was showing him love just, you know, in other ways.
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<v Woman>I probably felt very loving to her.
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<v Man>Exactly. But that's that's kind of the whole point, isn't it?
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<v Man>We tend to express love in the way we want to receive it, not necessarily how our partner needs it.
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<v Woman>It's like they were speaking two totally different languages.
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<v Woman>No wonder they were feeling so disconnected. Totally.
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<v Man>And this is why, you know, understanding your own love language is just as crucial
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<v Man>as understanding your partner's. You know, it's about self-awareness as much as it is about empathy.
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<v Woman>Yeah, because if you're someone who, like, thrives on acts of service,
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<v Woman>you might naturally just jump in and do things for your partner,
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<v Woman>assuming that's what makes them feel good,
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<v Man>Too. Exactly. But what if their love tank is actually filled by,
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<v Man>you know, quality time or physical touch?
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<v Woman>Then all those acts of service, while well-intentioned, they're not really hitting the mark.
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<v Man>Nope. It's like, imagine trying to pay for groceries with, like,
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<v Man>Japanese yen when they only take dollars. Right.
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<v Man>You know, you need the right currency to make that transaction work.
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<v Woman>Love that analogy. So it's not just about learning to speak our partner's love language.
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<v Woman>It's also about realizing that, hey, maybe our love language is shaping how
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<v Woman>we're seeing their attempts to connect with us.
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<v Man>100%. And the more self-aware we are, the better equipped we are to create those
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<v Man>really deep, fulfilling relationships.
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<v Woman>This has been such an insightful look into the power of words of affirmation,
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<v Woman>you know. It just goes to show such a simple concept can have a huge impact on our relationships.
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<v Man>It really can. And, you know, the best part is it's never too late to start
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<v Man>putting these ideas into practice. It really can make a world of difference.
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<v Woman>Absolutely. So as we wrap up this deep dive, just one final thought-provoking
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<v Woman>question for you to ponder.
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<v Woman>What one small, specific act of affirmation could you do today to show your loved ones you care?
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<v Woman>Because, you know, sometimes those little gestures mean the most.
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<v Man>Words have power, right? Yeah. Choose them wisely, use them generously,
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<v Man>and just watch those relationships flourish.
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