In this episode of AI Love Lab, we dive into Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages, starting with Chapter 1: What Happens to Love After the Wedding? We explore the pressing question of why love often seems to fade after the excitement of the wedding day. With real-life scenarios and relatable experiences, we uncover the hidden dynamics of romantic love and the critical role of understanding each other’s love languages. Tune in as we unpack why relationships struggle and how speaking different emotional languages can either strengthen or unravel marriages. Discover the keys to keeping love alive.
Transcript
00:00:00.017 --> 00:00:02.677 <v Woman>Ever catch yourself wondering what happens to love, you know, 00:00:02.697 --> 00:00:07.417 <v Woman>after the wedding, when the honeymoon phase is over and, well, real life sets in? 00:00:07.537 --> 00:00:09.357 <v Man>It's the age-old question. It really is. 00:00:09.397 --> 00:00:13.077 <v Woman>And it's something Gary Chapman dives right into in The Five Love Languages. 00:00:13.217 --> 00:00:14.737 <v Man>Right, from the first page, even. 00:00:14.897 --> 00:00:18.937 <v Woman>Exactly. He uses this really interesting anecdote about, well, 00:00:18.997 --> 00:00:22.137 <v Woman>he's on a plane. Oh, yeah. And this guy sits down next to him. 00:00:22.337 --> 00:00:22.977 <v Man>Let's call him Steve. 00:00:23.277 --> 00:00:28.217 <v Woman>Okay, Steve. So Steve, he's successful, seems to have it all together, but... 00:00:28.217 --> 00:00:30.117 <v Man>He's been married and divorced three times. 00:00:30.257 --> 00:00:31.397 <v Woman>Three times. 00:00:31.557 --> 00:00:36.317 <v Man>Which, as you can imagine, would make anyone a little jaded about this whole love thing. 00:00:36.537 --> 00:00:39.837 <v Woman>Absolutely. I mean, that's got to do a number on your faith and lasting love. 00:00:39.977 --> 00:00:43.397 <v Woman>And he's basically at his wits end asking Chapman, what's the point? 00:00:43.517 --> 00:00:47.057 <v Woman>You know? Yeah. Why bother if love always seems to disappear? 00:00:47.417 --> 00:00:51.497 <v Man>And the thing is, this isn't just some isolated case. A lot of people, 00:00:51.597 --> 00:00:55.577 <v Man>maybe even some listening right now, have probably felt that same sense of disillusionment. 00:00:55.657 --> 00:00:59.317 <v Woman>Oh, for sure. I've definitely had those moments. And I think that's what makes 00:00:59.317 --> 00:01:00.777 <v Woman>this opening so powerful. 00:01:01.057 --> 00:01:04.877 <v Woman>It's incredibly relatable. Whether you've been married and divorced three times 00:01:04.877 --> 00:01:09.377 <v Woman>or you're just starting to think about long-term relationships, that fear is there. 00:01:09.797 --> 00:01:11.957 <v Woman>What happens when the spark fades? 00:01:12.397 --> 00:01:15.517 <v Man>Right. And Chapman doesn't shy away from that. He doesn't sugarcoat it. 00:01:15.597 --> 00:01:19.857 <v Man>He actually uses Steve's story to highlight a really crucial point. 00:01:21.057 --> 00:01:25.497 <v Man>Love does often change after marriage, but not necessarily for the worse. 00:01:25.697 --> 00:01:28.517 <v Woman>Okay. So you're saying it's not always a downward spiral. Exactly. 00:01:29.257 --> 00:01:33.157 <v Man>Because what often happens is we enter marriage with all these unspoken expectations 00:01:33.157 --> 00:01:37.677 <v Man>about how our partners should express love and when those expectations aren't met. 00:01:37.797 --> 00:01:38.417 <v Woman>We freak out. 00:01:38.597 --> 00:01:46.257 <v Man>Well, maybe not freak out, but we start to panic thinking, oh no, love is gone. 00:01:46.697 --> 00:01:50.537 <v Man>But what if it's not love that's gone, but the way we're expressing it? 00:01:50.677 --> 00:01:54.277 <v Woman>So it's not about loving less, but maybe loving differently. Right. 00:01:54.646 --> 00:01:57.066 <v Woman>Or misunderstanding how our partner shows us they care. 00:01:57.306 --> 00:02:00.386 <v Man>Exactly. And that's where this whole love languages concept comes into play. 00:02:00.606 --> 00:02:03.286 <v Woman>And that's what's so groundbreaking about Chapman's work, don't you think? 00:02:03.346 --> 00:02:06.226 <v Woman>It's not just about like trying to love harder or anything. 00:02:06.386 --> 00:02:08.846 <v Woman>It's more about being smart about how we love. Absolutely. 00:02:09.086 --> 00:02:11.546 <v Woman>Figuring out how to actually make it resonate with our partner. 00:02:11.806 --> 00:02:13.986 <v Man>It's like, you know, learning a new language, really. 00:02:14.186 --> 00:02:15.946 <v Woman>Oh, interesting. Tell me more about that. 00:02:16.186 --> 00:02:19.246 <v Man>Well, just like with any language, you have to put in the effort to learn it. But then. 00:02:19.366 --> 00:02:20.946 <v Woman>The rewards can be huge, right? 00:02:21.226 --> 00:02:26.626 <v Man>Exactly. And in the book, Chapman, he goes on to outline these five like core 00:02:26.626 --> 00:02:32.366 <v Man>love languages and even just getting a basic grasp of what they are can honestly 00:02:32.366 --> 00:02:34.766 <v Man>like transform how you see your relationships. 00:02:34.846 --> 00:02:38.586 <v Woman>OK, so I have to ask without totally spoiling the book for our listeners, 00:02:38.706 --> 00:02:40.086 <v Woman>of course, can you give us a little preview? 00:02:40.406 --> 00:02:43.986 <v Woman>How does this whole love language thing actually play out in a relationship? 00:02:44.546 --> 00:02:49.606 <v Man>OK, so picture this, right? You've got someone whose love language is acts of service. OK. 00:02:49.826 --> 00:02:52.866 <v Man>So for them, it's less about words and more about, you know, 00:02:52.866 --> 00:02:55.606 <v Man>what you do. So like a heartfelt letter. Sure, it's nice. 00:02:55.926 --> 00:02:57.286 <v Man>But what really makes them feel 00:02:57.286 --> 00:03:01.286 <v Man>loved is, say, when their partner does the dishes without being asked. 00:03:01.346 --> 00:03:03.106 <v Woman>Those little things that show you care. 00:03:03.306 --> 00:03:07.146 <v Man>Exactly. Or like remembering to pick up their dry cleaning. It's about those 00:03:07.146 --> 00:03:11.366 <v Man>small gestures that say, I see you. I know what you need and I'm here for you. 00:03:11.546 --> 00:03:17.166 <v Woman>Yeah. It's like you get me, you know, you get what I need, even when I don't say it out loud. Right. 00:03:17.306 --> 00:03:22.706 <v Man>Now, let's say their partner, their love language is words of affirmation. 00:03:22.826 --> 00:03:26.766 <v Man>They need compliments, encouragement, hearing, I love you. 00:03:27.006 --> 00:03:29.346 <v Woman>I appreciate you, that kind of thing. Yeah, exactly. 00:03:29.666 --> 00:03:33.586 <v Man>Now, this person, they might be doing all the chores, being super helpful, but... 00:03:33.586 --> 00:03:36.826 <v Woman>But if they don't hear those words, it's not quite enough. Yeah. 00:03:37.166 --> 00:03:41.586 <v Man>They might start feeling unloved, underappreciated, even if their partner is 00:03:41.586 --> 00:03:43.566 <v Man>like trying their best in other ways. 00:03:43.566 --> 00:03:46.866 <v Woman>Oh, I can see how that could cause some serious friction in a relationship. 00:03:47.086 --> 00:03:50.626 <v Man>Oh for sure You've got one person feeling like they're bending over backwards 00:03:50.626 --> 00:03:53.506 <v Man>and the other feeling totally unseen even though they're both in 00:03:54.269 --> 00:03:59.369 <v Woman>Genuinely trying and this is just one example of the love languages in action right right. 00:03:59.369 --> 00:04:03.229 <v Man>And chapman goes into much more detail about the other love languages receiving 00:04:03.229 --> 00:04:09.209 <v Man>gifts quality time physical touch all of them have their own like little intricacies 00:04:09.209 --> 00:04:10.909 <v Man>you know in ways they show up 00:04:10.909 --> 00:04:15.429 <v Woman>And i think what's fascinating is most of us probably connect with like bits 00:04:15.429 --> 00:04:19.569 <v Woman>and pieces of all the love languages to some extent right oh totally it's not 00:04:19.569 --> 00:04:21.589 <v Woman>like we're just one or the other It's like we. 00:04:21.589 --> 00:04:25.569 <v Man>Each have our own unique love language profile, right? And figuring out what 00:04:25.569 --> 00:04:27.869 <v Man>that is, both for yourself and for your partner. 00:04:28.169 --> 00:04:33.009 <v Man>Well, that's like the key to building those really strong, fulfilling relationships. 00:04:33.449 --> 00:04:37.169 <v Woman>It really makes you think about those couples, you know, the ones you see who've 00:04:37.169 --> 00:04:39.249 <v Woman>been together for like ages. 00:04:39.329 --> 00:04:43.829 <v Woman>Yeah. And they're still going strong, holding hands, finishing each other's sentences. 00:04:44.029 --> 00:04:46.309 <v Man>Still totally smitten. Makes you wonder how they do it. Right. 00:04:46.429 --> 00:04:48.189 <v Woman>Like what's their secret? Yeah, exactly. 00:04:48.509 --> 00:04:52.009 <v Man>And I mean, obviously, there's no one size fits all answer, no magic formula. 00:04:52.169 --> 00:04:52.929 <v Woman>Of course, of course. 00:04:53.029 --> 00:04:57.769 <v Man>But I do think understanding these love languages, it's like it gives you this huge advantage, right? 00:04:57.829 --> 00:05:01.269 <v Man>Because once you kind of get what makes your partner tick. 00:05:01.549 --> 00:05:03.049 <v Woman>Yeah, it can actually start speaking their language. 00:05:03.269 --> 00:05:05.869 <v Man>Exactly. It's like instead of fumbling around in the dark. Yeah. 00:05:05.929 --> 00:05:07.529 <v Woman>You get a flashlight. Yeah. 00:05:07.889 --> 00:05:13.249 <v Man>And you can actually like see what it is that truly makes them feel loved and appreciated. 00:05:13.529 --> 00:05:16.549 <v Woman>And that's huge. It takes out so much of the guesswork. Totally. 00:05:16.649 --> 00:05:20.109 <v Man>Yeah. And I think the other important thing to remember here is it's not about 00:05:20.717 --> 00:05:24.377 <v Man>you know, changing who you are. Right. Right. You don't have to become someone you're not. 00:05:24.517 --> 00:05:25.917 <v Woman>It's about being more mindful. 00:05:26.017 --> 00:05:30.297 <v Man>Right. Exactly. Being more deliberate, more intentional about how you express 00:05:30.297 --> 00:05:32.237 <v Man>love, even in small ways. 00:05:32.577 --> 00:05:35.697 <v Woman>And it's a two way street. Right. Both people have to be on board. 00:05:35.857 --> 00:05:38.557 <v Man>Oh, absolutely. Relationships are a team effort for sure. 00:05:38.697 --> 00:05:42.737 <v Woman>It takes two or well, however many people are in your relationship. But you get what I mean. 00:05:42.917 --> 00:05:46.577 <v Man>Yeah, totally. And that's what I really appreciate about Chapman's message here. 00:05:46.677 --> 00:05:50.477 <v Man>Like he's not saying that love is doomed after the wedding or anything. Right. 00:05:50.617 --> 00:05:51.777 <v Woman>It's not all downhill from there. 00:05:51.977 --> 00:05:55.577 <v Man>Exactly. Just because you have different love languages, it doesn't mean it's 00:05:55.577 --> 00:05:57.037 <v Man>a death sentence for your relationship. 00:05:57.217 --> 00:06:00.877 <v Man>Right. He's basically saying, look, you might be speaking different languages, 00:06:01.117 --> 00:06:03.657 <v Man>but that doesn't mean you can't learn to understand each other. 00:06:03.797 --> 00:06:08.377 <v Woman>And sometimes that understanding, that effort to connect on each other's level. 00:06:08.617 --> 00:06:12.257 <v Woman>Yeah. That's what makes the love even stronger, even more resilient than what 00:06:12.257 --> 00:06:13.177 <v Woman>you had at the very beginning. 00:06:13.457 --> 00:06:17.977 <v Man>Totally. Because you've put in the work, you know, you've weathered the storms together. 00:06:17.977 --> 00:06:22.317 <v Woman>And maybe that's the real secret to lasting love, right? It's not about finding 00:06:22.317 --> 00:06:25.457 <v Woman>someone who speaks your exact love language from day one. 00:06:25.677 --> 00:06:30.737 <v Woman>It's more about being willing to learn each other's languages to really like 00:06:30.737 --> 00:06:33.197 <v Woman>put in the effort to keep that conversation going. 00:06:33.337 --> 00:06:34.317 <v Man>Keep that spark alive. 00:06:34.517 --> 00:06:37.997 <v Woman>Exactly. Even when things get tough, even when you feel like you're speaking 00:06:37.997 --> 00:06:39.277 <v Woman>completely different languages. 00:06:39.577 --> 00:06:43.257 <v Woman>Beautifully put. Well, I think this has given all of us a lot to think about. Yeah. 00:06:43.377 --> 00:06:48.117 <v Woman>And as we wrap up our deep dive for today, I want to leave our listeners with this. 00:06:48.717 --> 00:06:51.397 <v Woman>What is it that really speaks to your heart? 00:06:51.737 --> 00:06:53.037 <v Man>Ooh, good one. 00:06:53.217 --> 00:06:55.717 <v Woman>What makes you feel truly loved and appreciated? 00:06:56.157 --> 00:06:57.357 <v Man>Yeah. What is your love language? 00:06:57.577 --> 00:07:01.197 <v Woman>Because once you know that, you can start communicating it to your partner. 00:07:01.357 --> 00:07:04.457 <v Woman>You can unlock that next level of connection and intimacy. 00:07:04.837 --> 00:07:08.017 <v Woman>So until next time, keep exploring those love languages. 00:07:08.277 --> 00:07:09.697 <v Man>Keep the conversation going. 00:07:09.697 --> 00:07:11.697 <v Woman>And we'll catch you in our next episode.
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